Cambridge, MA – In a groundbreaking paper published May 20th 2026 in the Journal of Applied Testosterone, researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology have concluded what active club members have been preaching for years: hitting the iron and learning to throw hands significantly reduces one’s tendency to be a “gay bitch.”
The five-year longitudinal study, titled “Bro Science Meets Peer Review: Quantifying the Decline in Pussy Ass Beta Behavior Through Resistance Training and Combat Sports,” tracked over 2,500 participants ranging from scrawny Reddit moderators to CrossFit influencers who already had one foot in the camp.
“Initial baseline measurements were concerning,” said lead researcher Dr. Chad Kingston, a former D1 linebacker who now holds a joint appointment in Mechanical Engineering and Applied Masculinity. “Many subjects exhibited elevated levels of soy and seed oil consumption, estrogenic microplasticity, and an alarming propensity to saying gay shit”
After 18 months of progressive overload and mandatory Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu training, the results were stark. Participants showed a 73% reduction in “vibe checks failed” incidents, a 64% drop in referring to their feelings as “trauma,” and a near-total collapse in the use of the phrase “as a queer person” in unrelated conversations about video games.
One subject, 29-year-old graphic designer Kyle “they/them” Evergreen (post-study: Kyle “White Pillar” Evergreen), described the transformation.
“I used to spend my evenings curating TikTok playlists about my mental health journey and crying during Pixar movies,” he said while deadlifting 315 pounds for reps. “Now I cry exclusively when I’m dropping a protein shit. Huge improvement. Also I can choke a dude unconscious in under 45 seconds. Life is good.”
The study employed rigorous methodology, including the proprietary “Bitch-O-Meter 5000,” a device that measures vocal fry, apology frequency, and the angle at which one holds their Starbucks cup. Control groups who continued yoga, therapy, and oat milk diets showed no improvement—in fact, several reported developing new food sensitivities and a deeper appreciation for Phoebe Bridgers.
Critics were quick to denounce the findings. Dr. Lavender Softpeach of the University of California’s Center for Gender Fluid Dynamics called the study “problematic, violent, and lowkey fascist.”
“Strength training enforces toxic hierarchies of the body,” she tweeted from her standing desk. “The only acceptable form of lifting is raising awareness.”
MIT administrators have already received several concerned letters from the English department demanding the study be retracted for “hate facts.” In response, the university has scheduled an emergency panel titled “Can We Still Be Friends If I Bench 405?” featuring both the researchers and a panel of triggered sociology majors.
The implications are already rippling through society. Sales of resistance bands have plummeted while chalk and mouthguards are selling out nationwide. Therapists are reportedly unionizing in protest as their client lists shrink.
When asked if the study had any limitations, Dr. Kingston laughed, and replied, “Yeah, we couldn’t get the vegans to stop crying long enough to complete the program. Something about ‘ethical protein.’”
Co-author and former Navy SEAL Dr. Brock Leatherdale added, “Look, the data is clear. You can either get jacked and learn to fight, or keep being a gay bitch. Science has spoken. The choice is yours.”
The full paper is available for download, but fair warning: it’s printed in bold 14-point font and contains several graphs that look suspiciously like they were made in Microsoft Paint at 2 a.m. after a heavy squat session.
It Is Known!!!